and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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