Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The struggles of a small town man whore
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
