you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
