She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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