I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize