my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
