guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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