I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
