i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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