wanna go halves on a baby?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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