you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
