dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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