Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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