You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
