why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's rum buckets o'clock
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
