I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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