I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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