He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
