is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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