he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize