my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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