OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Alive.
So much puke
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize