You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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