So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
