Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
