I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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