I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Your tits are I can't wait for
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
