Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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