the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
