This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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