I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Is Oprah even human
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
