I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
