Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
