Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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