You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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