You were right. It hurts to walk today.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
