felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
