i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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