i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
