I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my shit smells like andre
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
