Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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