She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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