You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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