Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize