Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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