I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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