Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Pants are for mortals
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