I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?â€
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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