well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
