apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
