i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
