A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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