I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
