My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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