i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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