And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
