just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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