She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
