if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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