I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
