conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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